In Time
by samuraiheart
Summary: Rating for language. Brian / Michael. Just Brian's thoughts on his relationship with Michael through the years and what that friendship might lead to. Set before the series.


Disclaimer: I don't own Queer As Folk.  
  
This fic contains references to a male/male relationship so please leave if that offends you.  
  
This is written in Brian's POV.  
  
This fic takes place during some unspecified time a little while before Brian meets Justin.  
  
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In Time  
  
by samuraiheart  
  
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"And I forgot To tell you I love you And the night's Too long And cold here Without you I grieve in my condition For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so" -"I Love You" by Sarah McLachlan  
  
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My life is a series of contradictions. I push you away when I need you the most, but you almost always see through me and end up by my side despite everything. I want you to stay with me forever. I want you to love me and let me love you too. I want you to be happy and therein lies the contradiction. You wouldn't be happy with me. You say that's what you've always wanted - well, you've never technically told me, but I know - but you've waited so long for this conclusion that it can't possibly meet your expectations anymore. I'm not sure that it ever could. I'm not perfect, Mikey. I'm not a super hero. I'm not kind or loving or beautiful. I'm just me and that's all I ever can be.  
  
We were too young to know what real love was all those years ago and I was relatively sure that I didn't want to have anything to do with it. Even so, I couldn't deny the flutter of emotions that ran through me when you smiled in my direction or the joy I felt when we sat together reading a comic book with my arm draped over your shoulder and you leaning your head slightly against mine. Hell, Mikey, it didn't matter to me what we were doing - we could have been reading a phone book for all I cared, but it was you and me together. Inside the confines of your small bedroom I felt safe and protected from the confusion of the world just outside. I could forget about the uncertainties of the future and the tension in my own family and melt into an embrace with you and feel like everything was going to be alright.  
  
I cherished those moments, Mikey - more than you will ever know because I never thought they would last. Every moment of our friendship I expected would be the last. I was always afraid that you would see me for who I really was and leave me alone again and I never wanted that to happen. I don't know what I ever would have done without you. I had convinced myself that you would leave me tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. I never expected you to stick by me as long as you have. I never imagined that more than a decade and a half later I could still dial your number and hear a familiar and friendly voice ask me about my day. I never expected to still see that spark in your eyes when we were thirty years old and I never imagined that I would still feel that unimaginable warmth in my own soul whenever I hear you say my name or I press my lips to yours.  
  
You've been more than a friend to me Mikey and more than I will ever deserve. I don't know how to thank you for it and I'm not sure I will ever be able to. I'm still waiting for you to run or scream at me or tell me that it has all been a lie. I'm still waiting for you to figure out what a truly worthless human being I really am and that you should have abandoned me long ago and I am desperately afraid that you never will. I am terrified of the possibility that your vision of me is incredibly different from the way I see myself. It scares me even more that you might be right.  
  
I see it in your eyes sometimes and I don't know what to think. You see caring and compassionate motives behind all of my actions and you see the pain that I try so hard to hide. You see the sleepless nights and the helplessness and the search for something meaningful to fill this void that I can't explain. You see me for more than I will ever be and you think that I am more than I am. You still see signs of that nervous fourteen-year-old kid trying to pretend that he doesn't give a shit when all he really wants is for someone to tell him that he matters.  
  
You see the things I can never seem to say and you accept me for who I am. It scares me that you might see me for who I really am and care for me in spite of that. You know me better than I know myself and you've always believed I was deserving of love - not just any love, but your own - the most precious gift you could ever give a person.  
  
Don't give up yet Mikey. I really am trying. You've had my love from the beginning, Mikey, but it's a process and this is just the first step. I'm not really sure if I can do it. I've spent so many years running from the truth, but maybe if I see you tonight I'll let my hand linger on your shoulder a little longer than it should and I'll press my lips to yours a little more passionately than I usually do and I'll look into your eyes and really see you standing before me and I'll lean forward and whisper the words you've been waiting for so long to hear and I've been waiting for so long to say.  
  
"I love you."  
  
THE END  
  
Thanks for reading! ^_^ 


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